"Here we go, here we go"

These are my personal ramblings on the world which I have witnessed. I know there are thousands of travel writers out there but the difference is, they get paid and I don't. I haven't got a column in a glossy magazine which just happens to be featuring a hotel or restaurant. I'm the poor sod who carries his own bags, gets ripped off at every turn and comes back with the shi . . . trots (I can't spell diarrhoea).

So first off, Russia.

THE USSR

It's been 15 years since I visited the USSR and sadly, I can never return. Because of an international incident? No. Because of my infidelity with the beautiful wife of a Russian gangster? No (unfortunately).

It's because the USSR is no more.

I've been somewhere that doesn't exist. How do you explain that to someone? Will Sir Elton have to change his song title to "Back in the Russian Federation"? Not so catchy is it!

Due to work, my trip to Russia only lasted seven days equally split between Moscow and Leningrad, now St Petersburg. Before departure, I rang one of the high street rip offs, sorry, banks, to enquire how many roubles to the pound. 3 came the answer. A week later in Moscow, I got 43.

But this was not the only surprise. As Glasnost (openness) and Perestroika (restructuring) were becoming 'buzz' words, shopping was a pleasure. Well, it would have been if there had been anything to buy. A trip to GUM (the Russian Harrods) in Red Square was a revelation. Vendors proudly displayed half empty cigarette packets. Torches with no bulbs. Combs with teeth missing. But I did purchase a cap. It makes me look like a singer in the Village People. Enough said! And it was a bootleggers paradise. Champagne 50p a bottle and vodka £1! Unfortunately, I don't drink either.

SNAPSHOTS

As I don't wish to bore you, these are very brief 'moments' from my trip.

The Bolshoi Theatre

Using a ticket tout I took in a performance of 'The Ace of Spades'. It was fantastic but the best was still to come. Unknown to a group of us, the price included champagne and caviar in the bowels of the theatre. We rubbed shoulders with politicians, the beautiful people and some less desirables. I was told NOT to take pictures. So I didn't. An amazing experience.

Drinks machines

On one of my walkabouts I came across a long train of people standing in front of what I thought were ticket machines. But to my disbelief they were communal drinks machines. Paper cups though, were not the order of the day. Old broken mugs, chipped glass beakers were filled, emptied and then returned. Unwashed! Pass the Imodium please.

Train journey from Moscow to Leningrad

At the time, drinking and smoking on public transport was strictly forbidden. So, as the time passed and the carriage smog got thicker and tounges were loosened by the booze the sliding door slammed opened. Standing there looking extremely pis . . . fed up, was the guard. The silence was deafening. Clumsy attempts to cover the evidence only heightened our predicament. The guard stepped forward and throwing open his grey coat he pronounced in perfect English, "You would like to buy champagne, caviar, cigars?" Relieved, nervous laughter followed. Then, my companions started on the poor man. They bought his hat, grey coat, boots . . . the vultures picked him clean!

Back to Moscow

Aeroflot. Now there's an airline. As we hustled each other at check-in, I noticed a middle-aged woman with a large plastic bag. I know it's rude to stare but I could not believe the two small dogs' heads poking out. You don't often see that at Gatwick! Next the tyres. As we climbed the steps to board, I exclaimed, "Look you can see the wires through that bald patch!" Nobody thanked me. Mercifully, the flight passed without incident.

Return flight

This is my tenuous claim to have met a TV personality. We were delayed for six hours at Moscow airport because of BA. Whilst queuing, the chap next to me started pleasantries. We introduced ourselves. My companion turned out to be Nigel Marvin of BBC2 fame and had just finished filming Realms of the Russian Bear. He was a fascinating chap and even had some tiny frogs in a jar which had never been seen before. And did I mention the snakes . . . But I must dash. It's the last call for boarding and you know how difficult it is to get overhead locker space on the plane!

Another trip

I would love to return one day. The atmosphere standing in Red Square looking at St Basil's Cathedral is difficult to describe. I was almost expecting a cavalcade of tanks to rumble past. The people were friendly and so many wanted to practice their English with you. It was a great distraction from the daily grind.

My photos will be in the gallery soon.